Why the Fuck Am I Still Talking About CrossFit?

Posted on by Drywall

ForgingEliteSarcasm.com: A Brief History

October 2010: Work fucking sucks today. Let’s make a CrossFit blog making fun of CrossFit blogs.
November 2010: No fucking way I make more than 10 posts.
January 2010: Fuck me, people are actually reading this horseshit.
February 2011: Hmm, this all runs deeper than I thought. I’ll never run out of material. What the fuck is wrong with these people?
April 2011: People want to know who I am? Seriously?
July/August 2011: The CrossFit Gods spoiled us with near drownings, softball throws, and an asshole overhead squatting with his baby strapped to his chest.
November 2011: It fucking saddens me that I’ll never run out of material.
January 2012: Fuck it.

Straight up: I’ve only ever been interested in writing, not CrossFit. Unfortunately, writing on any topic comes with a shelf life. It doesn’t matter if it’s a TV show, a book series, or a bullshit novelty blog. At some point you either run out of material or your shit gets weak because you’re bored as fuck with the topic. In essence, the lifecycle of writing a CrossFit blog is very much like the lifecycle of a CrossFitter:

A couple months ago I decided it was time to plan for the end. I made a list of topics I wanted to write about before wrapping this shit up and moving on to something else:

  • Women and their crazy fucking body issues. (here)
  • How CrossFit is white as shit. (here)
  • Fatties (Epic beat me to it and crushed it, here.)

Then two topics near and dear to my heart:

  • How retarded kipping is.
  • How retarded running is.

But seriously, do I need to do a 500 word essay on the self-evident? I really don’t care anymore. So fuck it, let’s knock these out real quick.

Kipping


Any pro-kipping argument involves “increasing work capacity” or some bullshit. Fact: the workout calls for a shit-ton of pullups and you’re goddamn weak, so you cheat. I’m not judging you, cheating is the shit. I’ll cut every goddamn corner I can. But let’s call a spade a spade. I’ll quit bashing it if you just own the fuck up already.

Also this:

Running

Running is a byproduct of boredom addiction. That’s it.

“Sorry CrossFit. You’re just too fucking small for me.”
-Drywall

Thanks again to Epic for the photo work.
Special thanks to WildGorillaMan, curator of the only Facebook page worth following.

            
    • http://www.facebook.com/hlittle2 Howard Little

      Hahaha… Why do I relate to this one most of all??

    • Brian

      Yeah, kipping is stupid.  But in all honestly, I believe that most wods that call for things like 100 pullups were designed with kipping in mind. If the CF gods had intended deadhang pull ups, they would’ve prescribed many fewer.  That doesn’t excuse them from not doing that in the first place, but still.
      Exception:  Fran.  Originally, those pullups were prescribed as bar-to-Adam’s-apple.  Try to do sub-3 while slamming your throat into the bar.

    • whatever

      Yawn. Now lets see if your own inner attention whore can stand to *actually* stop blogging. I doubt it.

    • http://www.forgingelitesarcasm.com/ Drywall

      Yawn. Now lets see if your inner unimaginative troll can stand to *actually* stop being irrelevant. I doubt it.

    • http://www.forgingelitesarcasm.com/ Drywall

      Yawn. Now lets see if your inner unimaginative troll can stand to *actually* stop being irrelevant. I doubt it.

    • holdin27

      Are you quitting the blog?  That sucks, you are one of the last one not blocked at work…

    • http://www.forgingelitesarcasm.com/ Drywall

      Future uncertain. I may write about broader topics, or I may hang it up. Either is preferable to the status quo. Unless Bob Harper gives a fattie rhabdo, then I’ll definitely write about that.

    • kristin

      I think you are underestimating how many topics exist and will exist in the future that NEED to be satirized in order for some to maintain a grip on reality (or at least get a glimpse of it). You should have more fodder after qualifying and the next games to make it through 2012. Where your January optimism?

      Separately, that last pic – while putting to rest any question as to whether long distance running is retarded - borders upon gratuitous, but holy shit…if that is what could happen to me if I decide to run another marathon, I think I’ll pass on more than just breakfast.   

    • kristin

      make that where IS your January optimism

    • Tim

      You haven’t done a post about Bob Harper and his man love for CF yet have you? That would be FUCKING GOLD! Don’t stop….we need you DW….

    • Matty

      Bullshit.

    • whatever

      Sorry, Darth Relevant. But listen, if you don’t want to resort to reposting more self-important IGX material (after all, it’s the height of relevance and hilarity), maybe you can drop some androgyny spank bank material and shitty t-shirts with “impact” font.

    • Sixpaulnine

      My day just got worse.  Thanks a fucking lot DW.

    • Tony

      I like it…..If the Couch Thread had ended on page 1000, it would have won the internetz….now it’s just, average.

      Way to get out before you water ski jump a shark wearing a leather jacket.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=33025374 Arin Canecchio

      I fucking lol real hard at every post here.

    • K Newman

      Please don’t go. I only discovered your blog a month ago. I’m tangentially associated with CrossFit coaching and it’s been a lifeline. 

    • http://www.facebook.com/ryan.lippmann Ryan Lippmann

      If you go, I commit self-murder. Not suicide. It will be so good that it qualifies as murder. Can you deal with blood on your hands? Wait, you probably can…

    • http://www.facebook.com/ryan.lippmann Ryan Lippmann

      Thanks @hipfitthreads for that little gem :)

    • Hostiletakeover

      Rumor has it that you fucking sold out…to Reebok.

    • Matt

      I’d pour a 40 on the floor but I #cfdrankin it.

    • kelly

      go broader..don’t quit. i agree with kristin, there will be plenty of things to make fun of this coming new year, hang tight buddy. don’t make us cockpunch you.

    • joe

      lol. fucking butterfly pull-ups most people don’t even get their chin over the bar, D-bags!  can’t wait for those weak f*ckers to do some serious damage to their rotator cuff…in a couple years this crossfit shit will be irrelevant b/c everyone will have shoulder problems or ruptured achillies try to overhead squat after that kool-aid drinkers.

    • wally

      Saturday 120107
             
      “Drywall”
      Five rounds for time of:
      135 pound Clean and Jerk, 7 reps
      9 strict pull ups
      15 handstand kick ups
      As soon as you finish your fifth round, throw a softball for distance.

      Chris Spealler 1:46 & 0 meters, Miko Salo DNF (burst eardrum). Post time and distance to comments.

      Enlarge image

      Internet
      Sarcasm Army Rear Admiral Third Class Drywall “Drywall”, (age unknown),
      of forgingelitesarcasm.com, assigned to relentlessly mock CrossFit.com
      (Airborne), based out of Snark Base Mountain View, California, was
      presumed dead on Friday, January 6th in Labral Tear province,
      Afghanistan, from wounds suffered when frenemy forces attacked his unit
      with an improvised kipping pull up device. He is survived by his
      wordpress blog, facebook page and an empty bottle of whiskey.  His body
      has yet to be recovered.

    • http://www.forgingelitesarcasm.com/ Drywall

      Best. Comment. Ever.

    • SELLOUT!!

      dude, do what everyone does when they build something up and get tired of it. Cash in on that shit! i dont see a single ad on this page.  you get enough hits on this site, im talking ads up and down both sides. reebok, innov 8, hell who cares mcdonalds, cigarette ads.  i bet jack daniels would pay for ad space.

    • Dr. Barry Hungwell

      DNF

    • KSCFE

      Here’s a serious opinion on why you should keep this up.
      Despite your best efforts to be funny and sarcastic (which you are) you succeed in asking some very legitimate questions about CF which ought to be asked and answered.
      When CF was a small group of fairly elite athletes doing stuff to themselves on their own volition that was one thing. But now when God knows who opens a gym, plasters a label on it, and gets average Joe and Jane off the street doing Murph because it’s the patriotic thing to do on Memorial Day that’s a whole other thing.
      Just because you are irreverent as hell doesn’t mean you’re wrong.

    • http://twitter.com/robbwolf Robb Wolf

      NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

    • http://twitter.com/robbwolf Robb Wolf

      You still need to help me design the wording for thee shit I put in my store. 

    • Jen Italia

      Agreed

    • AnonymousMasterX

      Dear DW, 

      Stop being a fucking pussy tyrant. Your shits good, its like a fuckin’ Thailand cock fight! Nasty, but who would ever pass up a chance to witness that shit. There are  couple of reasons you cant ass wipe out of what you have started:1. Elite would be a lone wolf (like Batman without Robin (shit example), Snoop Dog without Dre, Sluts without dicks (good example)… you get my drift) 2. Hmm, who fucking cares about 2 You know how to take the piss better than anybody that anyone knows who follows your musings and I think thats a enough people to start a a new cult called “Cunts Who Like Taking The Piss Out Of Other Counts” CWLTTPOOOC fo life!Regards,New FollowerRookie “Add New Commenter”www.coolfit.com  

    • A. Rogers

      Who are you, Brett Favre?  The sub-text of your post is “I’m thinking of retiring, but if you beg me to re-consider, I might.  Please show me some love.”  Looks like many of these other post-ers obliged you.

      Grow a pair.  

      Now where the fuck is this week’s post?

    • http://dk-workoutlog.blogspot.com/ dk

      You will be missed, sir. If you need shitty photoshopping for any future endeavors, and time frames aren’t that critical, I’m always happy to help!

    • BC

      Stop being a pussy and quit the female attention seeking bullshit.  I’m bored at work because you haven’t posted anything in a while.  Cocksucker.

    • Guinness_79

      You’ve been a constant source of humor while I was sucking it up in the ‘stan, thanks Drywall. Sorry I discovered you too late…..

    • http://pacificwavejiujitsu.com/ Lori

      Hilarious! Athletics certainly has its moments.

    • Sippin_Coughee

      You can’t give up on making fun of CrossFit now, the WSOE is coming up….

      Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!

    • Anthony Vennare

      one of the crossfit followers for sure.” Don’t talk about my crossfit”! … Dry way you are my hero.

    • Unsubscribed

       Yeah bro, it used to be so hilarious and now it’s just kinda…. Probably cuz you’ve covered everything. The same thing happened to Muscleweek (funny sarcastic bodybuilding site) Used to be great and now it’s like, yep, bodybuilders/fitness/figure/bikini/fitness models are neurotic and crazy. Everyone knows and nobody cares. I did enjoy your earlier work. Perhaps you haven’t changed. It could very well be my outlook on life in general. Good luck to you and your blog in the future or wherever life takes you. I certainly wish you the best…. Unsubscribed…

    • Lycurgus

      Seriously dude, we’re two WODs deep in the Eliteness that is the WSOE and not one fucking commentary from you?  You’re slipping man….. Put the fucking Paleo cookies down, make yourself a nice cup of Organic, free-trade, cage free, steroid free, grass fed, natural, Elite coffee, and get to fucking work.

    • Lycurgus

      Not to mention the fact that the “NYC CF” video on the mainsite today is just fucking prime material for another “Elite Video” posting.

    • Jon44

      Two things:
      Does Greg Glassman even do exercise?
      and
      Is the Pukie account on Facebook Greg Glassman?

    • lionking

      thanks drywall, you ruined my day… and yes, i am reactivating a 2 month old post, fucking sue me

    • Dougy Huy

       ulz, now dearpukie.com and the Facebook Pukie account are gone.

      Good job making a complete dufus out of yourself ReeBok CrossFit (ie. Couch).

    • http://kippingitreal.com/ KippingItReal

      Sadly I just found out about this a few days ago…

    • Jordan

      because crossfit is the ionly way of life :)

      http://www.jgstratman.com