About Your Female Body Issues…

Ladies, there’s something that the non-bat shit crazy people in your life have been wanting to tell you: your fucking body issues are all in your goddamn heads. And the men in your life are sick of fucking hearing about them. Let me break it down.

We know. You’re not skinny enough. Or you’re too tall. Or short. Your ass sags. Your complexion is off. You have a belly. Your tits aren’t big enough. Whatev. We don’t seriously care.

You tend to bitch about what the media portrays as an ideal look and body type for women. Magazine covers, movies, TV, that kind of horseshit. What you don’t realize is that guys could give a fuck about any of it. We don’t let outside influences distort our view of hotness. We judge it the old fashioned way: we get wood. That’s it. Caveman shit.

So when I go on Facebook and see bullshit like this, and a few thousand people “like” it, I wonder where the fucking breakdown is:

When the lights are out, you’re all 10′s.

Let’s be honest: the Strong is the New Skinny Slutty craze caught on because so many women are incapable of actually being skinny. Don’t lie, if you could, you would. So instead you get hot by working out (rightly so), except you feel the need to justify it to other women. But why the fuck do you care what some anorexic bitch thinks of you?

You know what’s really hot? Not being fucking neurotic. Men fucking love that.

Also, plastic surgery is the shit. Any woman whose self-esteem is so low that she’d pay thousands of dollars and have herself cut open in the name of increasing hotness is exactly the kind slut you want to take home for a one nighter. Plus the fake tits stick out like, well, fake tits, so they’re easy as fuck to spot. Win win.

You don’t come here to meet your soul mate anyway.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, we can see you for who you are on the inside just as easily as we can on the outside. It’s easier, actually. If you respond positively to trite, incoherent marketing babble like this:

Then you’re probably an overly self-conscious dipshit incapable of having meaningful and stress-free relationships anyway. You’ll settle for some CrossDouche.

There’s no Hate here. Seriously. If this is you, un-fuck your head. Being sane is hot as fuck.

“Stop buying T shirts and start getting your shit together.”

Unless they’re my T shirts. Buy the fuck out of those.

    • i’llcleanyoursnatch

      “But the fuck?”

      Unfuck your head DW!

      • http://www.forgingelitesarcasm.com/ Drywall

        Not as bad as the time I left a typo in the title.

    • Dr. Richard Fukuall

      “But the fuck out of those.” WTF?? Fire your proofreader. Jus sayin’

    • Ashley D

      Love it.

    • Scottsmith302

      ” Stop buying T shirts and start getting your shit together ” love it.

    • http://twitter.com/lmarie lisa p

      Overly self-conscious, not “self-conscience”.

      • http://www.forgingelitesarcasm.com/ Drywall

        Ok. In my defense, I was fucking hammered last night.

      • http://www.forgingelitesarcasm.com/ Drywall

        Ok. In my defense, I was fucking hammered last night.

    • http://www.facebook.com/toopsma Annie Fluitsma-Carter

      Great! Now none of the comments make sense! LOL

      • http://www.forgingelitesarcasm.com/ Drywall

        Like it never happened…

      • http://www.forgingelitesarcasm.com/ Drywall

        Like it never happened…

    • Jonathan


    • http://www.facebook.com/MacawTheVet Matt Cave

      In the time it’s taken people to complain about typos, I’ve busted out 500 burpees and made myself a power-shake (aka a quadruple martini).

    • Kenyatta14

      Who cares about a couple of typos? It’s a blog, not a scholary article. Seriously people.

    • Misogynist

      “Dear life, we will always be warrior girls. Fight to the end. Never give up. -Champions” mean? Why would you write a letter to life? And why do women post that crap all over their FB page and then have picture frames in their house with that garbage? Why not just get the pic of the cat doing a pullup that says, “never give up” and call it a day.

      • B_thro

        I thought that poster said “Hang in there”

        • Scott

          Yeah, you’re right B_thro. It’s the duck that swallowed a frog and the frog’s choking the shit out of the duck. That’s the one that Misogynist is thinking of.

    • Cathy Cleary

      Drywall, you are indeed brilliant and that’s not me just sucking up, either! Female body issues, indeed. As a male friend once remarked, “I don’t know why girls spend all that time suntanning when guys are only interested in the white bits.” Nailhead meet the Hammer named Drywall!

      • Evergreen694

        Holy crap, I have never once heard that “only interested in the white bits”.  Hilarious.  I had the good luck to work construction sites with all male crews.  The most important lesson I learned was that hard working guys basically like it all.  Just about every woman that walked by got some type of “compliment” from someone.  

    • mattydejr

      Apparently a few grammar issues have skewed the fact that you make a great point. And in this day and age of chopped words, acronyms and others, I think we are smart enought o see the real important issue…..be good to and about yourself! Nice job Drywall! First time reader and will return.

    • mattydejr

      Apparently a few grammar issues have skewed the fact that you make a great point. And in this day and age of chopped words, acronyms and others, I think we are smart enought o see the real important issue…..be good to and about yourself! Nice job Drywall! First time reader and will return.

    • SlutjobHammerGirl

      Dear Life

      All these boys want to fuck me no matter how I look. I wish the douchebags would get that I know that.  Please send me only the ones with tight abs, happy tongues and huge cocks.  In the meantime, I’ll be working out with stupid fucking posters on my wall, while they get hammered and write blogs intead of fuck me all night.

      Thanks Life.
      A douchey slutty workout queen

      • Sean

        hahahahaha, that’s pretty funny! 

      • Simone


      • Lisa

        hmmm….My sentiments exactly!

      • WherezMySammichB-otch??

        You said “intead” of. CrossFail.

    • Epic Beastmode

      Wahhh… grammar.  STFU.  Drywall and I had a conversation about this very thing the other day.  As bloggers, grammar and spelling issues are invisible to the author until several hours after the post has been published.  Unavoidable.  Alcohol

      • Epic Beastmode

        …doesn’t help.  See what I mean?

    • Simone


    • Erin

      Yessir! I have no desire (or as you so rightly pointed out ability) to be skinny but I don’t give a fuck if some other chick wants to be a supermodel. It doesn’t in any way diminish my hotness….so whatever.

    • http://twitter.com/PaleoFreedom Rachel Jennings

      Fucking Awesome. And for the record, I wish you would’ve left “But the Fuck” in there. It made me laugh.

    • gaston

      sorry DW, being hot as fuck is hot as fuck. sanity is only the cherry on the top

    • Dr. Barry Hungwell

      Hey Captain Bring Down!  WTF?  Next you are going to tell ‘em all to not have any more daddy issues?  What’s up with all the cock blockin’?  (Vodka crans + body issues) x (daddy issues)2 = hammer time.

      Take this shit down Dr. Phil before all the CrossGals read it.


    • Kjunkrzy

      TFF! Laughed out load at Starbucks and almost choked on my coffee. Straight to the point. Need a t-shirt that says, “got wood?”

      • shitballs!

         what kind of loads are you choking on at starbucks?? I havent seen anything on the menu that crazy

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    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1336026157 Jamie Ford Follmar

      Mr. Drywall, you’re very single, aren’t you?

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    • http://twitter.com/NarkSide Narkissos Springer

      This, good sir, is FUCKING BRILLIANT.

    • http://twitter.com/NarkSide Narkissos Springer

      @ToTheChest:twitter needs to see this shit. Gatdamn.

    • EleetSlut

      Dear Drywall,

      I just purchased three of your overpriced t-shirts to give as gifts.  I am sure my Granny is going to love her “Pushups love big boobs” shirt.  BTW, since you raped my not only on the shirts, but on the gift wrapping and shipping as well, feel free to use my credit card info to pay for your online porn.  Merry effing-elite Christmas.

    • Melcreal

      Brilliant. “If this is you, un-fuck your head.”

    • Fixdgearnc
    • Fixdgearnc

      jerk asss
      think folks don’t notice
      have to spell dirty words to get quasi point accross on blog
      durrrrr :)

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    • Lauravanhoosier

      You have good things to say but you cuss way too much.

    • Iliiftbabay

      “so many women are incapable of actually being skinny”…100% disagree. It takes perfect eating and nutrition, exercise and time commitment to be muscular and at 12% bodyfat for a woman. Whereas anyone that doesnt eat or eats like *hit, can be at 22% bodyfat and a size 0. It’s being at a low bodyfat that’s difficult, phaggot. “abs on a skinny guy are like big boobs on a fat woman: it does not count.” <- think about this one

    • Anothersivil

      It’s like the author forgets that we’re assaulted with limited, arbitrary standards of beauty across all media every day. Blaming the insecurities that women have about their bodies on them is just absurd.

    • Sagisonya

      Love it, its pretty damn true. But you’re forgetting to factor in the fact that society’s standards and how society has been to women affects the way women react to the media and why they do what they do…

      Society reflects the media and vice versa.So it’s not just women being crazy, but women being pressured.

    • Foo

      You’re so articulate…

    • Women

      Dear Men,

      Sometimes its not about you, or whether you’d like to fuck us, how you want us to look and if you care about our body image issues. Sometimes women do shit for themselves and you’re “dear All Women” shit is so fucking patronising it makes me want to scream. Fuck off.

      Love, Women

      • Anonymous

        women don’t ever do anything for themselves, they do it to “one-up” the other girls and get the attention, its evolution, we get it. i think the moral of this story is that you can do whatever the f*ck you want, but stop with the craziness!! i’m sure you’ve heard the line “no matter how hot a girl is, theres always some guy somewhere thats sick of dealing with her shit”. I’d take a sane 7 over a crazy 10 any day, all day.

        • AGDM

          crazy 10 got crazy box though. IJS. Sane 7… not so much

    • Karate Chick

      The only problem with your analysis is:

      Many of us women don’t work out so we can be skinny enough to give you a boner.

      Many of us women work out so we can be strong and quick enough to kick your ass.

      That’s how strong “beats” skinny: not in a sexiness contest, but the old fashioned way.

      • The Teradactyl

        I think you missed his point – the thing here is that for whatever your reason, to be fit, to kick ass, to be hot – neurotic women need to stop talking shit about their bodies to boyfriends, girlfriends, and pretty much anyone else except maybe your gym friends.  That’s the place to compare stats if you have to.  
        But he is dead-on for the most part.  

        He delivers it in a way that could easily get your back up, but c’mon Karate Chick – I’m a Jujitsu girl and a runner, I just like the rush and the power.   I work out for myself, and if you truly do – then you know that there is absolutely no reason to ever go on to your partner about it.  Unless you’re talking about how strong or healthy ( or inviting him to touch the ass that is slowly getting firmer day by day).   

        He’s keen enough to be standing there in love with you, or at least seriously “liking” the fact you’re even giving him the time of day, or being your fuck-toy.  Whatever it is, DW is clear, he’s down for it and ever bit fitter you get is bonus points.   I also hate the “beats skinny” no matter how you put it – I have girlfriends who can’t put on a pound, who have no ass and are shitty has hell about.   They are naturally skinny and shamed for it, even if they work out – so don’t even try to sell “strong” to me.     

    • heythere

      “It takes perfect eating and nutrition, exercise, anavar, gh and time commitment to be muscular and at 12% bodyfat for a woman. Whereas anyone that doesnt eat or eats like *hit, can be at 22% bodyfat and a size 0″

      fixed for ya

    • wendazzle

      That was fucking rad! Well stated from a slut in the making!

    • aeuphemia

      Confidence and straightforwardness in a culture dominated by fuckwittery is appealing as hell. CrossDouches abound. I’d settle for a rat who doesn’t think a narcissist is some kind of spotting maneuver.