It’s Not a Cult, It’s Just Fucking High School


A CrossFit Prom. I shit you not.

I hate a lot of shit. Commies, fatties, pussies, attention whores, disingenuous motherfuckers, shitty blogs, other boxes gyms, idiots, Erin Andrews and stupid fucking parents. But lazy, unimaginative motherfuckers…that might just take the cake.

It doesn’t matter if you’re a CrossFitter or a Hater, or if you’ve been following this shit for a couple months or several years. You’ve undoubtedly heard some tired, unoriginal vag call CrossFit a cult, then some Kool-Aid drinker get all butt-hurt about it. It’s a monotonous cycles of unoriginality.

The truth is, CrossFit is not a cult. Cultists are unquestioningly devoted to their leaders. CrossFitters fucking hate their leaders. It’s just fucking high school, plain and simple.

The rules are the same: the more athletic, attractive, conformist, and devoid of personality you are, the more popular you are. People struggle to get to the top. Cliques form, cattiness and jealously ensue, immature sex jokes are the norm and people talk massive amounts of shit. Sometimes online. Or in a blog.

Top Tier:
80% of the world’s star high school quarterbacks put on 50 pounds, married their high school sweetheart, knocked out 4 kids by age 25 and either sell cars or pump gas. The other 20% have sub 3:00 Fran times and bang CrossSluts on the reg. Fact.

Cheerleaders traded their skirts and pompoms for sports bras and high socks. They still wear make up, they still coordinate their outfits, and they still try to fuck the star athletes and/or coaches even if they have girlfriends/wives. It totally up’s their stock.


The Plastics. Every box has bitches just like them.

Middle tier:

Little Miss (Or Mr.?) Most-School-Spirit has moved onto smaller and equally inconsequential things. Charity events are the new pep rallies and this shit isn’t going to plan itself. Do we give a fuck? No, we’re just thankful some other asshole decided to do it.

No one ever really liked the ass-kissing teacher’s pet, and now that he’s taken it upon himself to organize the paleo challenge, he’s liked even less. But peer pressure is a bitch and everyone’s fucking doing it so the nerd with all the answers isn’t totally useless.


Just kidding, Robb. I wasn’t talking about you. Probably.

Bottom tier:

Are you fat? New?** Ugly? Artistic? Thoroughly mediocre at CrossFit? Yes?

Then you’ll probably have to cut yourself to get anyone to notice.


When you look like this, it doesn’t matter how much you can lift.

“Haters, you’re doing it wrong.”
-Drywall

**Unless you’re hot and/or athletic. Then everyone’s hanging all over your junk.

            
    • Gusto

      I’m not sure what else you said but the quarterback from my high school is in fact selling used cars

      • Guest

        Shit- I just looked him up: my old highschool quarterback is a “Service Advisor” at a dealership.

    • http://h8rnet.posterous.com Greg

      Where does this analogy put you/WGM/et al.?  Trenchcoat Mafia?  Trenchcoat Mafia but with spreadshirt accounts?

      • http://www.forgingelitesarcasm.com/ Drywall

        We write for the high school newspaper.

    • Ddawgdavis

      Bravo!

    • guest

      Second-tier wannabe quarterbacks:  Never played any sports that actually require athletic prowness, so now they think crossfit is the greatest thing on earth.  Problem is. . . . they even suck at the sport of fitness.  This won’t stop them from posting every workout and PR on facebook/twitter/blogs (of course accompanied by a video to follow that never quite makes it up), and following around the actually studs sucking on the teet of awesomeness.  These guys know they are badass and they’ll tell you about it, and they’ll convince themselves and try to convince you that because they crossfit they are a much better athlete that any NFL player!

      • Paul Webber

        you said “sport of fitness”….

    • Lpullig

      So hilarious. Sooooooo very true, from ex jocks to the stupid coordinating chicks that live at the affiliate they belong to.

    • Johnny Utah

      Making fun of Lisbeth > Tebow

    • Jester

      Sad and true

    • Sarah

      Lululemon and CF Reebok Apparel are the new Abercrombie and Fitch. If you’re still wearing Champion you can’t sit at my lunch table.

    • Kittyhatter

      I think CF is somewhat analogous to sororities/fraternities, not sure if that comparison is any different than the HS one. 

    • Dr. Barry Hungwell

      If coach would have put me in to do the fourth WOD, we would have won regionals.  Bank it.

    • Blue Balls

      Crossfit is what it is. It’s better than sitting on your ass doing nothing, and it’s worse than actually learning how to lift and getting swole. Fuck everyone

    • Guest

      You forgot about the stoners who wear hoodies and boardshorts every day to class. They aren’t Crossfitt…nevermind.

      • Jrbowlder

        Easy officer friendly.  I throw down harder when I’m “in the zone”.

    • DougHed

      My HS QB is selling insurance. I was in JROTC and sucked at everything. I own a big consulting company and crossfit everyday (is that a verb?).
      I also think if you had more or less than 3-4 good friends in high school you are probably hopelessly fucked up in the head.

      • OT

        You sure showed them DougHed. AND your comments on high school are insightful.

    • Myshitcantpossiblestink

      I am highly disappointed in my boxgym, I am a coach and have yet to be approached by any crosslut/cheerleaders trying to up their stock!  And believe me, I am fucking sexy as hell…and elite.

      • Dr. Barry Hungwell

        Good thing about CrossFit chicks is that I may get older but they stay the same age.

    • Melcreal

      Not to mention the popular cheerleaders gained more than 50 pounds!

    • DaveEarle

      That Chinese woman probably came from dirt poverty and now has a nice car and house for her lifting ability, let alone gets to travel the world and perform at the top tier of athletics.  She may be thoroughly unattractive, but she’s snatching 110, probably as an opener, more impressive than everything ever posted by Team Gorilla.

      • BConFitness

        thats 115, not 110

    • Jmount

      “Then you’ll probably have to cut yourself to get anyone to notice.”

      Does that mean when people rip callouses to get attention, they should have to have a meeting with their parents and the guidance counselor? 

    • Jmount

      “Then you’ll probably have to cut yourself to get anyone to notice.”

      Does that mean when people rip callouses to get attention, they should have to have a meeting with their parents and the guidance counselor? 

    • Colelarson2010

      I love it. 

    • Simone

      LOVE THIS SHIT…

    • Burly

      Right on the money people !

    • Jay

      “When you look like this, it doesn’t matter how much you can lift.”

      Oh, sweet jeepers. So true it hurts!

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    • Cracker

      Sad but true. 

      I’m too old to read this “junk”.

      I’m inclined to write something relatively cruel, because to be frank, you sound like an asshole in a way, but if you’re into cf, well then, you’re most likely alright.  

      • Guest

         what?

        Anyone who’s into crossfit is a good person?

    • Maeweb

      Late to the game but so true about being “new”. I dropped into a gym in Florida (I won’t embarrass them) for a day and kicked everyone’s ass at the WOD, and the guys and the girls were all really curious about me, one of the coaches asked if I was joining the gym because they wanted me to be on their open team blah blah.

      I like Crossfit. Home gym is near a military base and is pretty douche-free. But this blog is wisdom. Keep it up.

    • Tegan Lentz

      My gym just announced that we’ll be having a formal in August. First thing I thought of was this post.
       

    • guest

      the quarterback from my highschool is looking to be the new starter of the seahawks…