Introducing Your 2012 CrossFit Games Writing Team!


Some Dream Team shit going on right here.

This week I celebrated my one year anniversary of writing this fucking blog. “Celebrated” may be a bit of a misnomer as it consisted of getting drunk and writing, also known as “Thursday.” Still, I sort of amazed myself, I mean really how the hell can you write about CrossFit for a full year and not run out of material?

Easy: plan ahead. So when it was brought to my attention that CrossFit HQ was looking for writers for next year’s CrossFit Games World Series of Exercise on their Facebook page, I knew I had to act now and get in early if I wanted to run shit properly.

Let’s see how this goes…

from drywallcrossfit@gmail.com
to CFGameswriters@gmail.com
date Wed, Oct 5, 2011 at 9:50 AM
subject CrossFit Games Editor-in-Chief Application

Konnichiwa bitches,

Allow myself to introduce myself. Drywall. Waddup.

You may know me from such works as ForgingEliteSarcasm.com, also known as the best goddamn CrossFit blog on the web. Or perhaps my award winning Twitter feed from the 2011 CrossFit Games. I know you were following that shit, it’s the only explanation for why your Twitter feed was dark for the first 8 hours.

So you need writers for next year’s games? Done. Oh I wasn’t talking about myself. I’ll actually be the Editor-in-Chief, I work for no one. Plus my editing skills are the tits, I proofed tihs email twiec before sending it, for real. And I already lined up my own network of highly qualified writers slash CrossFit experts slash semi-functional alcoholics (all the best writers are booze hounds, see Hemingway, Ernest and Thompson, Hunter.)

So fear not, once again Drywall will save the day. So let’s discuss the particulars. I require:
-A 50% permanent price reduction of all items on CrossFit Reebok store. I know that shit ain’t selling at the current prices anyway.
-A DVD copy of “Every Second Counts” signed by Josh Everett. He’s a comic genius.
-Sole rights to monetize the CrossFit Psychology Certification. No one knows more about mind-fucking than me.

Let’s discuss.

Love,

Drywall
www.forgingelitesarcasm.com


Introducing the rest of Dream Team.

Epic, www.beastmodaldomains.com

From: Epic beastmodaldomains@gmail.com
Subject: You need me on your squad.
To: CFGameswriters@gmail.com
Date: Tuesday, October 4, 2011, 8:04 PM

Gameswriters,

Sup. Epic from beastmodaldomains.com. Read it. It’s like Drywall but less funny and has (inaccurate) training value. I think you need me on the team. I’d be able to subtly extract from the athletes a little sumpin your current writers have yet to: personality. As much as I enjoy the difficult-to-understand and vague, one-word responses in the Mikko interviews here’s a concept: I get his Finnish ass drunk. Boom. Me and Salo punching each other in the junk and doing some drunken deadlifts. Straight “Sisu” shit.

I got tons of ideas. Don’t even get me started on the Kristan Clever bikini photo shoot.

We gonna do business or no?

Destrominate,
EPIC
www.beastmodaldomains.com

Binkley, www.truthsauce.com

from Binkley@TruthSauce.com
to CFgameswriters@gmail.com
bcc drywallcrossfit@gmail.com
date Wed, Oct 5, 2011 at 9:32 AM
subject Writer Details

Hello!

I saw your post for requesting writers for the CF games page. I’m pretty much the perfect candidate for your position. I write stuff a lot, like letters, blogs, and even emails to lots of different people. I can type really quickly, I’m not sure how to measure how fast I type but I’m really good at WordRacer on Facebook. I’m always punctuating properly and using capitals when necessary, unlike most people, M I RIT (LOLZ!!!)? Although, maybe you’d like me to spell terribly, because then your editors will have something to do. You have those, right, just in case?

On top of being the next William Shakespeare, I smash WOD’s quite frequently. I only work out with like, two other people, but I’m always the best times in my group. Plus, they’re losing a lot of weight now from their bariatric surgery, so you know the CrossFit is really benefiting them. I had a sub 7:00 Fran the other day, I’d say those results speak for themselves!!!!! Sometimes I even put a plate on my box to get that extra inch of height. Not in the Fran, there are no box jumps in that, DUH! I really push myself to be ELITE.

Anyways, I’m super pumped about writing for you, so let me know where I send my articles to! I already have a bunch of ideas.

Later!!

Binkley
www.truthsauce.com

PS – I’m also awesome at Photoshop, so I can hack pictures and make them be basically whatever you want. We can make some really cool pictures for the main page, like take those pictures you guys post but add cool stuff like lens flares or fire! We could make it look pretty extreme.

Robb Wolf, www.robbwolf.com

from Robb Wolf
to CFGameswriters@gmail.com
date Tue, Oct 11, 2011 at 8:27 PM
subject Writing Position

I hear you’re looking for writers for the CrossFit Games! I’d love to participate as I’m always looking for new creative outlets. I can be your token expert on nutrition and food weighing. Yeah, I do that now!

But perhaps instead of writing I could just do a podcast where we talk about CrossFit and the paleolithic lifestyle. Writing is cool but once you’ve had a New York Times Bestseller, you’re kind of over it. I could even bring in my friend Greg, he knows a lot about Olympic lifting and could be a subject matter expert.

What sort of compensation could we get from this sort of thing? We could be up and running pretty quickly, this week even. We work fast.

Sincerely,

Robb Wolf
www.robbwolf.com

PS – In case you didn’t know I also used to work for CrossFit. You can check references with Dave Castro.

For all our efforts, we got a grand total of no responses. There must be some mistake.

Relentless and undeterred, Epic goes for round 2:

From: Epic beastmodaldomains@gmail.com
Subject: Don’t ignore me.
To: CFGameswriters@gmail.com
Date: Thursday, October 6, 2011, 4:00 PM

Gameswriters,

Hey, there. I noticed you have yet to respond to my proposal. What was I thinking, suggesting humor? You guys cornered the market with that whole “Daigle” thing. Really chuckle-worthy stuff. That guy’s a comic genious on par with Sinbad.

Okay, scratch my ideas of bringing humor and dragging scraps of personality out of the athletes. I’ll keep it real dry and boring for the status quo. More lengthy interviews with athletes droning on about how they got into CrossFit (failed at real sports).

So good or no good?

-EPIC
www.beastmodaldomains.com

Still nothing. Fuck this shit, I’m escalating the issue.

from drywallcrossfit@gmail.com
to Tony Budding
date Wed, Oct 12, 2011 at 9:32 PM
subject Fwd: CrossFit Games Editor-in-Chief Application

Tony,

I think we got our signals crossed after our last correspondence before the Games. I waited a good hour for the HQ limo to drive me to the beach, and when it didn’t arrive, I missed Rob Orlando’s near drowning in the Pacific. These things happen. (“These things” meaning power lifting midgets not knowing how to swim, not me getting blown off.) But I’m not one for holding grudges and we have more pressing business to discuss.

Check the message below. No response? What bunch of amateurs you got running this thing, Life AsRx? Anyway, I already have my Elite writing team assembled, I just need the rubber stamp, green light, or whatever idiom for your approval you prefer. You can expect a major uptick in traffic, ’cause you know, my pimp hand is strong.

So done deal? Awesome. Let me know when I can start firing the current staff. That’s always the fun part!

Love,

Drywall
www.forgingelitesarcasm.com

PS – Did you find the Life AsRX crack funny or should I have gone with SICFIT?

What do I have to do to get people to play along with a joke around here?

“More people read us anyway.”
-Drywall

            
    • Disgustipated

      This was sooooo goddamn good.  The involvement from Epic at beastmodaldomains.com was great.  Once again…brilliant. Now that my Friday has reached it’s peak I will leave work and go have some booze-siciles that have been chilling in the freezer. Stumble about and shout like a madman. Happy Friday!

    • Victoria

      Your finest work to date!

    • Dr. Barry Hungwell

      Humorless sonsabitches.

    • Jonny

      You guys made my day.

    • Anonymous

      I’m starting to give up hope that they’ll respond to us. Why did you have to bring Wolf’s blacklisted ass along? He’s totally holding us back.

      • http://www.forgingelitesarcasm.com/ Drywall

        Without Wolfie, our most knowledgeable resource on exercise would be, well, you. Don’t you think we should have a higher standard than that?

        • Anonymous

          Fair enough. I was just gonna steal all my material from Greg Everett and pretend I was smart anyway.

          • Anonymous

            cuz that’s what I do on Beastmodal Domains since I started the thing.

      • http://www.truthsauce.com Binkley

        Do you think it’s because they don’t believe my sub 7:00 Fran time?  I maybe shouldn’t have put that in there… it’s too unbelievable.

        • Anonymous

          Always provide video links. Make one of your fat group members stay in frame through the duration to make yourself appear even more badass. It’s like theory of the hot chick that hangs out with fatties so she looks better.

          • http://www.truthsauce.com Binkley

            I’ll have to get a fish eye lens, I can’t fit them in frame with anything else.

    • Steve

      Castro can’t give a reference he’s still trying to finish off that deadlift…

      • http://www.forgingelitesarcasm.com/ Drywall

        Legit LOL.

    • Poly

      Robb, if you add OPT to go with Greg in your email, there is no way they will say no.

    • Dr. Barry Hungwell

      My vote is on the Cleaver bikini photo shoot holding you back.

      I mean.  Dude.

    • No Name Necessary

      I thought it was Elite Editor-in-Chief, no?

    • Sir Bongitz

      Fucking Hilarious, Voltaire wishes he was this sarcastic

    • Barry Real

      When are you fags gonna shut up, man up, and Occupy CrossFit HQ?

    • http://twitter.com/YeahThatsAli Ali Corwin

      love the collabo work going on in this post. fucking brilliant. if those kids over at CF games don’t get back to you, then damn, they’re just missing out.

    • awesome sauce

      Hilarious!  Love the true dream team…however, Charles Barkley has been seen crossfitting at CF North Atlanta. 

    • Brandy P

      This is brilliant

    • http://twitter.com/gracie_morris Grace Morris

      I wish I knew what was going on in that brain of yours…..and I thought I had weird thoughts. I like that you always quote yourself.