This week I celebrated my one year anniversary of writing this fucking blog. “Celebrated” may be a bit of a misnomer as it consisted of getting drunk and writing, also known as “Thursday.” Still, I sort of amazed myself, I mean really how the hell can you write about CrossFit for a full year and not run out of material?
Easy: plan ahead. So when it was brought to my attention that CrossFit HQ was looking for writers for next year’s
CrossFit Games World Series of Exercise on their Facebook page, I knew I had to act now and get in early if I wanted to run shit properly.
Let’s see how this goes…
date Wed, Oct 5, 2011 at 9:50 AM
subject CrossFit Games Editor-in-Chief Application
Allow myself to introduce myself. Drywall. Waddup.
You may know me from such works as ForgingEliteSarcasm.com, also known as the best goddamn CrossFit blog on the web. Or perhaps my award winning Twitter feed from the 2011 CrossFit Games. I know you were following that shit, it’s the only explanation for why your Twitter feed was dark for the first 8 hours.
So you need writers for next year’s games? Done. Oh I wasn’t talking about myself. I’ll actually be the Editor-in-Chief, I work for no one. Plus my editing skills are the tits, I proofed tihs email twiec before sending it, for real. And I already lined up my own network of highly qualified writers slash CrossFit experts slash semi-functional alcoholics (all the best writers are booze hounds, see Hemingway, Ernest and Thompson, Hunter.)
So fear not, once again Drywall will save the day. So let’s discuss the particulars. I require:
-A 50% permanent price reduction of all items on CrossFit Reebok store. I know that shit ain’t selling at the current prices anyway.
-A DVD copy of “Every Second Counts” signed by Josh Everett. He’s a comic genius.
-Sole rights to monetize the CrossFit Psychology Certification. No one knows more about mind-fucking than me.
Introducing the rest of Dream Team.
From: Epic firstname.lastname@example.org
Subject: You need me on your squad.
Date: Tuesday, October 4, 2011, 8:04 PM
Sup. Epic from beastmodaldomains.com. Read it. It’s like Drywall but less funny and has (inaccurate) training value. I think you need me on the team. I’d be able to subtly extract from the athletes a little sumpin your current writers have yet to: personality. As much as I enjoy the difficult-to-understand and vague, one-word responses in the Mikko interviews here’s a concept: I get his Finnish ass drunk. Boom. Me and Salo punching each other in the junk and doing some drunken deadlifts. Straight “Sisu” shit.
I got tons of ideas. Don’t even get me started on the Kristan Clever bikini photo shoot.
We gonna do business or no?
date Wed, Oct 5, 2011 at 9:32 AM
subject Writer Details
I saw your post for requesting writers for the CF games page. I’m pretty much the perfect candidate for your position. I write stuff a lot, like letters, blogs, and even emails to lots of different people. I can type really quickly, I’m not sure how to measure how fast I type but I’m really good at WordRacer on Facebook. I’m always punctuating properly and using capitals when necessary, unlike most people, M I RIT (LOLZ!!!)? Although, maybe you’d like me to spell terribly, because then your editors will have something to do. You have those, right, just in case?
On top of being the next William Shakespeare, I smash WOD’s quite frequently. I only work out with like, two other people, but I’m always the best times in my group. Plus, they’re losing a lot of weight now from their bariatric surgery, so you know the CrossFit is really benefiting them. I had a sub 7:00 Fran the other day, I’d say those results speak for themselves!!!!! Sometimes I even put a plate on my box to get that extra inch of height. Not in the Fran, there are no box jumps in that, DUH! I really push myself to be ELITE.
Anyways, I’m super pumped about writing for you, so let me know where I send my articles to! I already have a bunch of ideas.
PS – I’m also awesome at Photoshop, so I can hack pictures and make them be basically whatever you want. We can make some really cool pictures for the main page, like take those pictures you guys post but add cool stuff like lens flares or fire! We could make it look pretty extreme.
Robb Wolf, www.robbwolf.com
from Robb Wolf
date Tue, Oct 11, 2011 at 8:27 PM
subject Writing Position
I hear you’re looking for writers for the CrossFit Games! I’d love to participate as I’m always looking for new creative outlets. I can be your token expert on nutrition and food weighing. Yeah, I do that now!
But perhaps instead of writing I could just do a podcast where we talk about CrossFit and the paleolithic lifestyle. Writing is cool but once you’ve had a New York Times Bestseller, you’re kind of over it. I could even bring in my friend Greg, he knows a lot about Olympic lifting and could be a subject matter expert.
What sort of compensation could we get from this sort of thing? We could be up and running pretty quickly, this week even. We work fast.
PS – In case you didn’t know I also used to work for CrossFit. You can check references with Dave Castro.
For all our efforts, we got a grand total of no responses. There must be some mistake.
Relentless and undeterred, Epic goes for round 2:
From: Epic email@example.com
Subject: Don’t ignore me.
Date: Thursday, October 6, 2011, 4:00 PM
Hey, there. I noticed you have yet to respond to my proposal. What was I thinking, suggesting humor? You guys cornered the market with that whole “Daigle” thing. Really chuckle-worthy stuff. That guy’s a comic genious on par with Sinbad.
Okay, scratch my ideas of bringing humor and dragging scraps of personality out of the athletes. I’ll keep it real dry and boring for the status quo. More lengthy interviews with athletes droning on about how they got into CrossFit (failed at real sports).
So good or no good?
Still nothing. Fuck this shit, I’m escalating the issue.
to Tony Budding
date Wed, Oct 12, 2011 at 9:32 PM
subject Fwd: CrossFit Games Editor-in-Chief Application
I think we got our signals crossed after our last correspondence before the Games. I waited a good hour for the HQ limo to drive me to the beach, and when it didn’t arrive, I missed Rob Orlando’s near drowning in the Pacific. These things happen. (“These things” meaning power lifting midgets not knowing how to swim, not me getting blown off.) But I’m not one for holding grudges and we have more pressing business to discuss.
Check the message below. No response? What bunch of amateurs you got running this thing, Life AsRx? Anyway, I already have my Elite writing team assembled, I just need the rubber stamp, green light, or whatever idiom for your approval you prefer. You can expect a major uptick in traffic, ’cause you know, my pimp hand is strong.
So done deal? Awesome. Let me know when I can start firing the current staff. That’s always the fun part!
PS – Did you find the Life AsRX crack funny or should I have gone with SICFIT?
What do I have to do to get people to play along with a joke around here?
“More people read us anyway.”