I hate kids. The younger they are, the more I hate them. Babies are the worst. When they’re not crying like whiny little brats, they’re shitting their pants, demanding to be fed, and in general being massive attention whores. If babies could do handstands and get their friends to take pictures, they totally fucking would.
What’s worse is that babies are totally fucking useless at the box. They can’t spot you, they can’t count your reps, they can’t even hold a stopwatch and keep track of your killer Fran time. They just want to be held and loved. Selfish fucks.
But as it turns out, I was wrong. Earlier this week, CrossFit HQ set me straight. Fuck your weighted vest, just strap a fucking baby to your chest. Serves the same purpose, but making a baby is way more fun than making a weighted vest. Besides, what if you’re out with your baby and the unknown and unknowable happens? You gotta prep for that shit.
Then all these fucking Haters started piling on, just read the comments. What the fuck? Pussies. That baby is totally fine. The soft spot on its head would absorb any blunt force trauma caused by this dude not being Elite enough and bailing forward. Besides, 135 pounds is pussy weight. If you can’t handle that shit, you have no business procreating anyway.
And thank God for CrossFit HQ, who once again bucked the trend and gave the middle finger to the naysayers. A lesser fitness cult would have taken that shit down, admitted a gross mistake in judgement, and called child protective services on the parents. Fuck no. The babyvest is here to stay, already being further integrated into CrossFit. Just check this shit out:
Is your baby crying too much? Join CrossFit and teach it to harden the fuck up.
“Child endangerment is the new rhabdo.”
-Drywall