I love writing this blog. So much so that I don’t give two shits about putting up ads or trying to affiliate market bullshit products. Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to somehow cash in on this. But it isn’t (yet) my main preoccupation.

Until I looked into the total cost of attending the CrossFit Games. Fuck. That.

My plan was to do another live Twitter event, like I did for the North Central Regional, except this time I’d do it right: get drunk earlier and actually show up on time. But if I broke down and spent well over a grand just to watch a bunch of people exercise, I’d have to dedicate a blog post to myself for being such a dickshit.

Time to sell out.

Web Smith, aka Drama, Co-Owner and President at SICFIT

From: Drywall
To: Web Smith
Date: Thu, Jun 23, 2011 at 8:30 PM
Subject: CF Games Sponsorship

Drama,

What’s up bro? I’m currently drinking rum and writing my next blog post, I thought I’d take a break to yell at you for a minute.

Some business: I’d like SicFit to sponsor me for the CrossFit Games. Times is tough and flights are expensive, so if you cover travel and lodging expenses, I can offer my Elite fucking services. Meaning, in my weekend long Twitter feed, I promote the fuck out of SicFit by doing what I do best; mocking the shit out of it relentlessly. It will be the 3rd most talked about thing of the weekend, right behind Reebok’s sure-to-be ugly uniforms and the lack of fair standards and judging (that’s gonna be hard to top.)

What do you think, you game?

As a sign of good faith, I’ll make a joke at your expense on the blog next week.

Love,

Drywall

PS: This is a serious business offer.

Oh sweet, he got back to me:

From: Web Smith
To: Drywall
Date: Thu, Jun 23, 2011 at 8:35 PM
Subject: Re: CF Games Sponsorship

Hahaha,

Drywall,

Let me see if we have it in our budget. We are already flying 11 people, bro!

Drama

Hmm. I don’t think he’s taking me seriously. Better follow up and let him know I’m for real.

From: Drywall
To: Web Smith
Date: Fri, Jun 24, 2011 at 8:38 AM
Subject: Re: CF Games Sponsorship

Drama,

Well, in the interest of full disclosure, I am putting my Elite services out to bid, so let me know if you have sincere interest.

I do think we would be a particularly good match; I am a huge fan of your ongoing comedy segments on fashion.

Drywall

I don’t think he found it funny that time. Let’s try going after some apparel companies.

Baker Leavitt, Head Honcho, 2Pood

From: Drywall
To: Baker Leavitt
Date: Sat, Jun 25, 2011 at 6:59 AM
Subject: CrossFit Games Sponsorship

Baker,

Let’s skip the intro and get right down to brass tacks: I’d like you to sponsor my trip to the CrossFit Games. In exchange for my expenses, I can provide you with an Elite branding promotion service that only I can provide: I can mock the living shit out of your company.

You’re all like “Wha, what? That’d be awesome!” and I’m all like “Word, bitch.” All weekend long, I’ll be live Tweeting the event and dropping bombs on 2POOD. You’ll be the 2nd most talked about thing of the weekend, right behind how awesome I am. Reebok who? Fuck ‘em, it will be like they’re not even there.

Better act now, because this offer won’t last forever.

Love,

Drywall

PS – 2 pood is pussy weight. 2.5 pood is where it’s at.

Nothing? Too early to give up. Let’s try another.

Marcus “The Badger” Dedina, Co-Founder & Director of Media, Life AsRx

From: Drywall
To: Marcus Dedina
Date: Wed, Jun 29, 2011 at 9:21 AM
Subject: Unique Business Opportunity

The Badger,

Since you’re the Director of Media, so I’m going to go out on a limb and assume you know of me, otherwise you’d suck at your job.

Cutting straight to the point, I’d like to partner with you guys for the 2011 CrossFit Games. By partner I mean a cash-for-mockery exchange. You cover the expenses, I make fun of you mercilessly all weekend long over Twitter. What a value!

Why me? Let’s review my credentials:
-I RX the living shit out of everything in life.
-That’s it.

This is a serious offer.

Love,

Drywall

PS – Nicknames are the shit.

Still nothing? Perhaps I need to think BIGGER.

Dave Genel, U.S. Media Director, Nike

From: Drywall
To: Dave Genel
Date: Wed, Jun 29, 2011 at 10:15 AM
Subject: Sticking it to Reebok – CrossFit Games Sponsorship

Dave,

You’re probably completely unaware of who I am, since Nike only endorses real sports. But in the world of CrossFit and competitive exercise, I’m kind of a big deal. People know me.

First off, congratulations on taking the NFL jersey deal away from Reebok last year. Sticking it in your competitor’s ear is the shit.

To further this aim, I come to you with another Reebok-screwing venture: sponsor my coverage of the 2011 CrossFit Games. Yes, I realize you probably have no clue what the CrossFit Games are, but suffice it to say, this is like the Superbowl for those of us who get incredibly excited over jump rope and ring dip competitions. But for the low, low price of paying my expenses and bar tab (I don’t write nearly as well when I’m sober), I can guarantee that Nike will trump Reebok that weekend on the publicity front, crushing them like a bad WOD (again, I realize you have no idea what the fuck that this means, but trust me, the lingo grows on you…)

I look forward to your response.

Love,

Drywall
www.forgingelitesarcasm.com

PS – Sorry about LeBron’s image tanking, that must have been a kick in the nuts.

Goose egg? Goddamnit, I thought I nailed that one. Maybe I need to give these guys more time to response. Let’s assume I’m golden and focus on what happens once I get there.

Tony Budding, Media Director & Guy Who Programs the Workouts, CrossFit HQ

From: Drywall
To: Tony Budding
Date: Wed, Jun 29, 2011 at 10:43 AM
Subject: Press Pass for the CrossFit Games?

Tony,

You’ve got a problem, my friend. CrossFit continues to grow and keeps trying to legitimize itself as a real sport. But what about the press? You don’t have any.

I’m not just talking ESPN or Versus, but even more fundamental: where are the third-party sportswriters and independent journalists? The sports radio shows? Even the independent bloggers who cover CrossFit?

Then it hit me: oh fuck, that’s me. Love it or hate it, I’m the best you got.

I’m not saying I’ll definitely be at the Games this year, but I’m not saying I’m won’t either. But what would really sweeten the pot for me: a press pass and seat in the press box, I hear the views of the climbing ropes are amazing from there. Besides, there should be plenty of space, since it will be just me. And you. And maybe SicFit, but I can’t tell if they’re a media outlet or a T shirt company.

I assume that’s cool?

Love,

Drywall

PS – Maybe some free drink tickets? Or am I pushing my luck?

Hahaha good one Drywall, as if HQ would ever acknowledge my existan-oh fuck me…

From: Tony Budding
To: Drywall
Date: Thu, Jun 30, 2011 at 8:51 AM
Subject: Re: Press Pass for the CrossFit Games?

You’re a funny guy. Our future is in good hands. I’ve arranged a limo to pick you up at your hotel and reserved our biggest luxury suite for you at the HDC.

Everyone’s a comedian.

“Why the fuck don’t these guys take me seriously?”
-Drywall