 I really couldn’t find a picture I liked this week, so maybe this will explain the joke I’m about to make to the people who otherwise wouldn’t get it. |
The CrossFit community is a strong one. Positive, encouraging, open, and supportive. Until of course you get people from different boxes together, then shit just gets awkward. Personally, I like to get things out in the open. So if you and another box have your differences, let’s just deal with that now before you actually see each other again so you can both get back to doing what you do best – talking about CrossFit.
So as a service to my readers, I’ve created this form letter that any of you can use, just circle the most applicable phrases and fire it off before the next big event.
So as a service to my readers, I’ve created this form letter that any of you can use, just circle the most applicable phrases and fire it off before the next big event.
To Whom It May Concern:
I’m very much looking forward to seeing you at the (happy hour WOD / philanthropy event / Olympic lifting meet / CrossFit competition), where we will talk endlessly about all things CrossFit. However, in the past, I feel as if you have been unable to pick up on the subtle nuances buried in the subtext of the conversation. Thus, I wanted to clear up a few things.
Primarily, my box is better than your box. In every fucking way imaginable. Seriously, your box is like the fucking Glass Joe of boxes. Let me summarize:
Facilities – Your box is (the size of a goddamn parking spot / dirtier than a Thai hooker covered in pig shit / practically a David Barton). Mine embodies the spirit of CrossFit, whatever the fuck that means.
Programming – Your workouts are (for pussy ass endurance athletes / best coupled with steroids / as monotonous and unimaginative as a Dave Matthews song). No wonder why we always kick the shit out of you at these events.
Membership – Your members tend to be (a bunch of cliquey bitches reliving high school / fucking dorks who don’t talk to anyone / douche bag wannabe athletes with the “I was so close to going pro” chip on their shoulders). Our members are like a cross between Pele, Miles Davis, and Jesus Christ; just fucking sweet in every way imaginable.
Coaches – Your coaches don’t know shit. Ours are smart as fuck. (No variation needed.)
Ownership – Your owner (is marginally qualified to train anyone in anything / thinks he/she is awesome but actually kinda sucks at CrossFit / is a fucking hobbit). Our owner would be the lead trainer on Biggest Loser if he/she wasn’t allergic to fatness.
Now that we have that out of the way, I look forward to beating the living shit out of you in this WOD. Of course if you do win, it is because (I’m coming off a really hard workout / your reps didn’t conform to regulation standards, per usual / the workout contained movements that are not true measures of athleticism.)
I look forward to our conversations filled with fake praise and encouragement.
Also, fuck you.
Sincerely,
Your Name Here
“Embrace the Hate.”
-Drywall