CrossFit Games Open FAQ

Posted on by Drywall


The aforementioned CrossFit Money Tree.  Shake it like a Polaroid picture.


If you’ve noticed the rah-rah crowd at your box getting especially crazy over the past few months, it is because the CrossFit Games Open, formerly known as Sectionals, starts next week.  The new format, which takes away a weekend-long event and replaces it with six weeks of doing it at your own box and/or doing it at home and recording a video, has a lot of people asking questions.  Unfortunately, the Frequently Asked Questions page from CrossFit HQ doesn’t really clear up any of the confusion, so I thought I’d run it through my CrossFit Codebreaking machine and really get to the bottom of this.

So how exactly will the CrossFit Games Open work?
Here’s the short version: Pay us money and work out on your own.  No, you don’t get a American Apparel T Shirt with a poorly designed commemorative logo.

Why did CrossFit HQ make the switch from live Sectionals to the online Open?
We realized that letting people participate from the comfort of their own homes for a nominal fee ensures lower operating costs, a higher participation rate, and thus higher profits for us.  Yes, we totally stole this from P90X.  Tony Horton is smart as shit. 

What are the dates for the Regional Competitions?
Why the fuck do you care?  If you are reading this, you’re certainly not going that far.

How many athletes from each region will advance to Regionals?
Actual athletes?  I don’t know, maybe two or three.  But there will be a whole bunch of really good exercisers, that’s for sure.

What is it with you and these ‘going to Regionals’ questions, anyway?
I’m just reliving the dreams of my youth, like when I thought I’d make it to the big leagues. It’s what keeps me doing CrossFit.
That’s fucking sad. Please, continue… 

How will CrossFit prevent doping?
Prevent doping?  Why?  We love getting high.  What do you think we do with all that Level 1 Certification money?

I mean performance enhancing drugs.  How will CrossFit ensure this doesn’t happen?
It really isn’t a concern.  I tried steroids myself, but I still couldn’t do double unders for shit.

What if I have a business trip, vacation, or some other prior commitment during the 6 week period?
We’re actually counting on it.  If you don’t complete a workout, you’re disqualified, and we don’t have to watch anymore of your shitty videos.  Besides, if you really want to make it to the CrossFit Games, you can’t really have a social life anyway.

Will there be a time cap on the workouts?
You think I am going endure the misery of reviewing your 15 minute Fran?

Will edited videos be accepted?
What, your box jumps just aren’t complete without a Fall Out Boy soundtrack?  Douche.

Does each Affiliate Team have an equal number of men and women?
To be honest, with the number of ‘elite’ CrossFit women that look like men, this is kind of a grey area.

What are the age brackets for the Masters divisions?
It really doesn’t matter grandpa, letting you get involved is just your geriatric participation trophy.  We’re pretty sure CrossFitting at your age isn’t safe anyway.

Should I still compete if I don’t think I have shot at qualifying for Regionals or the Games?
Absolutely.  It is events like these that keep the CrossFit community strong.  And we accept Visa, Mastercard, and American Express.

“Who the fuck am I kidding?  I’m still gonna get sucked into this horseshit.”
-Drywall

            
    • JJ Chung

      Haha. "Really good exercisers" is right!

    • Doc

      So have you already paid your $10 or are you going to wait to see what the first workout is?

      I like how this event, and CFit in general, legitimizes the guy with the mustache and ponytail who asks you "want to be in a movie?" It's okay, he's just doing it to make sure your form is good.

      Be careful out there Drywall, you don't want anyone making videos of you in compromising positions.

    • John

      I can't wait to see the video submission of hours of drywall, unpainted, "just hanging around"
      -beery

    • Camey

      I'm with JJ. I like "really good exercisers".

    • MM

      Drywall, you just made my day

    • Anonymous

      Does Greg Glassman even workout?

    • Anonymous

      "So how exactly will the CrossFit Games Open work?"

      It wont. Crossfit HQ cant deny this massive F*** up. The Games and the main site have crashed because they couldn't handle all of the traffic. This is what happens when you only let SEALs and ex-athletes work of you.

    • Anonymous

      OK. The FIRST WOD: AMRAP in 10 min: 30 DU's and 15 Power Snatches… oh wait! but it really doesn't have to be a Power Snatch. You can also do C&J, or Ground to Overhead. But DU's are a must!

    • Anonymous

      Funny and probably completely accurate at the same time. Great writing, Drywall. Keep it up.

    • Anonymous

      You are all assholes. Crossfit has empowered me and I am a legit athlete, my #567 ranking says so.

    • http://beastmodaldomains.com/2011/12/14/programming-for-the-best-exercisers/ Programming for the Best Exercisers « beastmodal domains

      [...] ready to throw down for another season of exercise competition.  The World Series of Exercise Open Qualifiers starts in February.  It’s time to prepare for six weeks of focusing on six [...]

    • Suckmyballs

      youre a fag.  probabily a fat fuck too