And by vertically challenged, I mean midgets. Err, dwarves. Whatever.
If you have not seen the movie BASEketball, I highly recommend that you check it out. This cinematic tour de force is a heartwarming tale of a regular guy who achieves athletic dominance by creating a sport based entirely on his personal strengths: swearing, offending people, and hitting an outside jumper. It is exactly the sport that I would create if I could hit an outside jumper.
Why I am talking about this? Because Greg Glassman did the exact same thing with CrossFit.
Every year, dozens of the most athletic hobbits, leprechauns, ewoks, oompa loompas, smurfs, and Danny Devito impersonators gather to compete in the CrossFit Games, the so called “Fittest Games on Earth.” But saying the winner of the CrossFit Games is the best athlete on Earth is like saying Wes Welker is the best wide receiver in the NFL. He’s just not, he’s too damn short to be taken seriously.
|A leprechaun, dancing a jig after setting a PR.|
Fact: no top 10 finalist in CrossFit Games history is allowed to ride on the adult rides at Six Flags.
As a 6 foot tall male, I’m sick of the oppression. This is a call to action for anyone whose parents fed them properly (non-paleo) when they were children. (Yeah, I’m going there too. Cavemen were short. Cavemen ate paleo. I’ll let you connect the dots on that one…)
What can we do to level the playing field? New standards:
-Instead of ground-to-overhead, it is now ground-to-7-feet. Can’t reach? Jump or do a box step up at full lock out. Have fun with that.
-No more boxes set up at pullup stations. You gotta jump to get up there. Can’t reach? Gotta work on that vertical leap first. Just think of it as more motivation to go unbroken.
-Why the hell are we doing full squats on wall balls? Oh yeah, the HMIC (head midget in charge) realized that a 10 foot target wasn’t to their advantage so he changed the rules. From here on out, power wall balls only.
-If your sub-standard height leads to sub-standard weight (let’s say sub-160lb) you’re wearing a 20 pound vest on every workout.
I offer a standing challenge to anyone under 5’6″ to a Hero WOD that I call “The Dikembe”
10 broad jumps
20 power wall balls
If you beat me, I buy you a beer and you can tell me about all the times you outsmarted Gargamel as a kid. Win win.
Any other new CrossFit standards we should include? Post them to comments.