CrossFit: A Sport Created by and for the Vertically Challenged

And by vertically challenged, I mean midgets.  Err, dwarves.  Whatever.

If you have not seen the movie BASEketball, I highly recommend that you check it out.  This cinematic tour de force is a heartwarming tale of a regular guy who achieves athletic dominance by creating a sport based entirely on his personal strengths: swearing, offending people, and hitting an outside jumper.  It is exactly the sport that I would create if I could hit an outside jumper.

Why I am talking about this?  Because Greg Glassman did the exact same thing with CrossFit.

Every year, dozens of the most athletic hobbits, leprechauns, ewoks, oompa loompas, smurfs, and Danny Devito impersonators gather to compete in the CrossFit Games, the so called “Fittest Games on Earth.”  But saying the winner of the CrossFit Games is the best athlete on Earth is like saying Wes Welker is the best wide receiver in the NFL.  He’s just not, he’s too damn short to be taken seriously.

A leprechaun, dancing a jig after setting a PR.

Fact: no top 10 finalist in CrossFit Games history is allowed to ride on the adult rides at Six Flags.

As a 6 foot tall male, I’m sick of the oppression.  This is a call to action for anyone whose parents fed them properly (non-paleo) when they were children.  (Yeah, I’m going there too.  Cavemen were short.  Cavemen ate paleo.  I’ll let you connect the dots on that one…)

What can we do to level the playing field?  New standards:

-Instead of ground-to-overhead, it is now ground-to-7-feet.  Can’t reach?  Jump or do a box step up at full lock out. Have fun with that.

-No more boxes set up at pullup stations.  You gotta jump to get up there.  Can’t reach?  Gotta work on that vertical leap first.  Just think of it as more motivation to go unbroken.

-Why the hell are we doing full squats on wall balls?  Oh yeah, the HMIC (head midget in charge) realized that a 10 foot target wasn’t to their advantage so he changed the rules.  From here on out, power wall balls only.

-If your sub-standard height leads to sub-standard weight (let’s say sub-160lb) you’re wearing a 20 pound vest on every workout.

I offer a standing challenge to anyone under 5’6″ to a Hero WOD that I call “The Dikembe”
3 rounds
500m row
10 broad jumps
20 power wall balls

If you beat me, I buy you a beer and you can tell me about all the times you outsmarted Gargamel as a kid.  Win win.

Any other new CrossFit standards we should include?  Post them to comments.

            
    • Rae

      I have to say, as a 5'7" femme & having been told my long femurs will present much challenge,this is hysterical. You can probably add the "inch worm" warm-up

    • John

      My suggestion for tomorrow's WOD:

      7 Rounds for time:
      6000 foot-pounds ground to overhead
      run ((400m / bodyweight) * 135#)

      For the tall — fewer reps
      For the heavy — a shorter run

      For everybody — roughly identical work performed (except for the bodyweight part of standing up with the bar — but that math gets WAY more complicated)

      -beery

    • Matt R

      http://www.totalprosports.com/2010/12/17/the-greatest-hurdles-performance-ever-video/

      Got this at work and thought I'd add it as a comment even though it doesn't relate to much. Notice the size difference.

    • thomas wubben

      now all we need to do is amend the door to the office at WL…"CEO and janitor, derek 'vertically challenged box-like midget with the world's shortest arms' freiberg.

      glad to see that the blog is back in full force.

    • JonnyVu

      Drywall, I'll smoke you in that "Dikembe" WOD.

      Then we'll do a leprechaun WOD, where I'll smoke you again: 50 burpees for time

    • Drywall

      50 burpees? That's a warm up, not a WOD.

    • Lani

      oh my god, YES> thank you. as a 5'10" female with a longer femur then normal and long arms and…just..a giant at my box as far as the girls go. I love this. I keep being told that my height is no disadvantage and I keep calling bullshit.

    • Dax

      As a 6'10" crossfitter here in Santa Barbara…let me tell you that you've brought tears of joy to my eyes here, Drywall.

      Also, this is hands-down the best shit I've ever read in regards to crossfit cultist crazyness…keep it up man, you're keeping a lot of us in stitches out this-a-way!

    • Anonymous

      Hackenbruck 6 foot 1, # 2 # 9

    • http://profiles.google.com/steph.gaudreau Stephanie Gaudreau

      “If you beat me, I buy you a beer and you can tell me about all the times you outsmarted Gargamel as a kid.  Win win.” 

      ^^^awesome

    • Blus Australia

      lol. awesome.

    • Jon G

      As a  5′ 3″ 128lb guy, this is really funny.